"O Canada, You Beautiful Ice Garden

10 Reasons I’ll Take the Maple Over the MAGA Any Day

I was raised on B-side records, leather-heeled values, and the promise of America. But when that promise came up bankrupt—when the jukebox skipped from Louis Armstrong to Henry Kissinger—I packed my bags, my Sony tape recorder, and my battered soul and pointed north. North, where the air bites cleaner and the kindness is built into the concrete. Canada wasn’t a fallback. It was the upgrade.

Here’s why:

1. We Take Care of Each Other

In Canada, a heart attack won’t cost you your home. Cancer won’t break your wallet or your spirit. This ain’t some luxury—it’s how civilized people live. You fall; you get picked up. Not judged by your co-pay but held up by the commons.

2. No One's Strapping AR-15s to Their Backpacks at Tim Hortons

We love our kids enough not to turn every school into a war zone. Our protests don’t end in bloodshed. Our parliaments don’t get stormed by men in buffalo horns screaming about Jesus and ammo. We’ve got our issues, but mass hysteria and semi-automatics aren’t among them.

3. Decency is Still Legal

There’s something in the Canadian bloodstream—maybe it’s the long winters or the hockey brawls—but people hold the door, say sorry too much, and don’t scream at waitresses. You can be vulnerable here and not feel like chum in a shark tank.

4. Immigrants Built This House, and We Let Them Decorate

Canada isn’t afraid of your accent, your hijab, your dance, or your grandmother’s stew. This ain’t melting pot fascism—it’s a mosaic. Your difference makes us stronger. We teach that in school. Try that south of Little Rock.

5. Nobody Dies Because They Can’t Afford Insulin

Imagine a country where you don’t have to crowd-fund for chemo, where you can grow old and sick without being punished for it. We’re not perfect—but we’re not barbaric.

6. We Don't Worship Ketamine Billionaires

Our billionaires know better than to fly junk-shaped rockets into the stratosphere. Canadians don’t kneel to wealth. We tax it. Modestly, sure—but the obscene celebration of greed that’s become sport in the States? No thanks. Philanthropy is an art here.

7. Education Doesn’t Come with a Lifetime of Debt

We still believe in school. Not the school of hard knocks—but the kind where books are free, professors are unionized, and you don’t graduate with a noose of debt around your neck.

8. Nature Still Breathes Here

You want forests that hush you into reverence? Lakes that swallow the sky? Canada doesn’t build condos on top of everything beautiful. We still leave some things wild. Because we remember who we are when we’re quiet.

9. We're Not Trying to Elect a Dictator

Our leaders may bore you to tears—but they won’t try to overthrow democracy with a Big Mac in one hand and a Bible in the other. We cherish dull politicians. It means they’re not dangerous.

10. We Still Believe in Something Bigger Than Ourselves

Call it compassion, call it socialism, call it decency—we don’t leave folks behind. We don’t treat poverty like a moral failure. We still have public libraries, public parks, and public broadcasters. We still have public.

Cheers, good people!