Leavitt Nabbed in Morning Raid
ICE Mistakes Trump Spox for Venezuelan Cartel Boss, Mouse & Banjo Also Detained
In what authorities are describing as “an unfortunate mix-up involving caffeine deprivation and a rogue AI facial recognition scanner,” Trump press secretary Karoline Leavitt was swept up in a pre-dawn raid targeting Central American gangs operating out of an abandoned Dave & Buster’s in a D.C suburb.
Leavitt, clad in a MAGA-branded velour tracksuit and reportedly screaming “Antifa did this to Kid Rock!” was taken into custody alongside an Italian mouse named Gino, a Spanish-speaking hillbilly known only as “Chico Billy,” and a lonesome banjo missing three strings and its dignity.
Agents say Leavitt was misidentified as Vula Hombre, a notorious Venezuelan cartel boss with a penchant for NASCAR jackets and quoting Ayn Rand in poor Spanish. “It was the tattoo,” said ICE spokesperson Clint Marbles. “Full back spread. Kid Rock with a halo and a can of Bud Light. We don’t make the rules—we just panic and enforce them.”
Eyewitnesses confirm Leavitt was seen, head freshly shaved, muttering QAnon nursery rhymes while being processed into an El Salvadorian detention camp for the musically tone-deaf and morally displaced. “She asked for a mirror, then a pulpit,” said one guard. “We gave her neither.”
Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem was later discovered cosplaying outside a detention cell housing 79 men in their twenties, dressed in a burka and a rhinestone Stetson. When asked about her alleged sister Karoline’s detainment, Noem paused, adjusted her six-inch spurs, and replied simply: “Duno.”
Sources inside the facility report that after three years of silence, several prisoners finally broke into speech: “Get her the fuck out of here. She’s worse than COVID.” Medical staff are still determining if this was a spiritual awakening or a mass allergic reaction to manufactured bravado.
Leavitt now holds the record for most lies per minute in a press briefing, edging out Sarah Huckabee Sanders’s infamous “Jesus wrote the tax code” statement and Kellyanne Conway’s “alternative facts” world tour.
Leavitt’s replacement? A tanned, glistening Sean Spicer is seen waltzing into the White House press room with a stack of outdated dance cards and a fresh can of spray tan. “I’m back,” he whispered dramatically. “This time, with jazz hands.”
No word has been received yet on Leavitt’s release. Or if anyone’s asking.