How To Make a Horse Laugh!

Pierre Poilievre!

How to make a horse laugh? Just dress Pierre Poilievre in chaps, a tall hat and a holster set.

Yesterday, Poilievre was caught saddling up Aunt Gerta's ol' Moosehead, left fermenting in a Montreal storage locker since Mulroney kissed a tree. He hit the trails of Mount Royal in a dusty, misfiring Freedom Convoy, peddling COVID relics like a snake oil merchant in a 2020 time warp. Waving the ghost flag of the anti-vaxx revival, Poilievre has vowed to sprinkle the Notwithstanding Clause like powdered sugar over your Charter rights. "Democracy's just a suggestion," he mused while adjusting his MAGA-branded bolo tie.

With the glee of a mall cop on a Segway, Poilievre declared that Liberal leader Mark Carney would be deported to El Salvador on day one of his reign. "Due process is for suckers," he hissed, nostrils flaring like a televangelist before a donation pitch. "No one in Canada is innocent until I say so."

His speech to a crowd of two, Ethel Snottery and her husband, Pearl-yes, husband-promised bold incentives: a his-and-hers hog combo and wrist ties from the Freedom Boutique. "All I ask is a little frisky-time patriotism," he winked.

When grilled by The Toronto Telegram (which hasn't existed since your uncle's gallbladder did), Poilievre mumbled something about "settled law" and cited consultation with Trump's spectral advisor, Stephen "Crypt Keeper" Miller. "He read Canada's future in a cup of Tim's dark roast and the signs were clear: moose uprisings and mandatory genealogy tests."

Now trailing in the polls like a wet Kleenex in a windstorm, Poilievre's final play is broadcast alchemy. "I'll paint Carney as Satan," he chirped. "Big red horns, flaming trident. If I scare enough grandmas into voting, I'll surf this sulphur wave to Sussex Drive-right before Beelzebub himself panties me on the Rideau lawn."

Thus concludes the sermon from the Church of Dumb and Deliver Us from Facts. Amen. Poilievre was last heard quoting Mr. Ed, “Fuck off Trigger.”