DOJ Goes After Ralph Kramden

On Donald Trump's Orders

Trump DOJ Targeting Classic Television shows. Claims the deceased Stars are laughing at him. Our reporter at the gravesites.

In an unprecedented move that has Hollywood, dog trainers, and octogenarians alike reeling, Donald Trump’s Department of Justice has announced a full-scale investigation into classic television. Yes, you heard that right—the reruns are under siege. The Golden Girls, Lassie, The Honeymooners, Andy of Mayberry and, in a baffling international twist, Canada’s beloved The Beachcombers, are all being dragged into the legal crosshairs.

Why, you ask? Because, according to Trump, these shows have been “haunting” him.

Word from the Mar-a-Lago bunker is that Trump has been on a deep dive into the annals of TV’s past and doesn’t like what he sees. “All of them. They laughed at me. All of them. Betty White—very nasty woman. That Ralph Kramden guy? Threatened to send his wife to the moon. Sound familiar? They all stole from the Apprentice.” Trump reportedly told an aide while consuming a bucket of Popeyes’s chicken beaks in his gold-plated potty

And it gets weirder.

Sources say Trump, in his late-night séances by the grave of his old consigliere Roy Cohn, has been picking up secret frequencies from the underworld. “Musk gave me a Starlink connection straight to the great beneath,” Trump boasted at a rally in Bedrock City. “I can hear them all down there. Jackie Gleason, Bob Denver, the entire cast of MAS*H. All talking about me. Very unfair. I hear them laughing!”

Special prosecutors have been assigned to dig up long-buried TV footage for signs of anti-Trump sentiment. Melania, according to sources close to the former First Lady, is less than thrilled, preferring to spend her days at an undisclosed European spa rather than endure another rant about why The Beachcombers conspired to keep Trump’s name out of the plot. “The only beach he cares about is covered in golf carts and unpaid resort fees,” she allegedly whispered to an aide before boarding a private jet.

Perhaps the strangest casualty of this witch hunt is Lassie. Yes, the loyal collie who saved Timmy from wells and kept 1950s America safe from mild inconveniences is now being subpoenaed posthumously. “Lassie knew too much,” Trump ranted in a midnight Truth Social post. “Always barking, always interfering—probably deep state. Definitely a Democrat.”

And so, as America lurches toward yet another episode in this never-ending political sitcom, we must ask: What’s next? Will Mr. Rogers be posthumously indicted for “low-energy sedition”? Will Trump finally get to the bottom of why Barney Rubble never struck it rich? Will The Love Boat be investigated for harbouring undocumented cruise passengers? Only time will tell.

One thing is certain—television history is being rewritten in real-time, and for some reason, The Beachcombers are now a national security threat. Tune in next week.

Oh! Canada…